Lame AIM profiles: Volume One

By Justin Rybinski

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Lame Instant Messenger profiles...they're everywhere. I honestly have no idea where to start this article--I have too much information to provide. I was thinking of ranking the worst of the worst, but once it got down to the last five or six, they were all, I couldn't decide. This is the first, and certainly not the last, installment of AIM profiles gone horribly, horribly wrong. If you know of any other offenders, send 'em to me. Let us begin.

While unquestionably not the worst profile you'll read on this page, it still makes your brain want to jump out of your skull from reading it. Colors are great in profiles, but not when used to a madman's excess. I can look past the horrible spelling and grammar in the away message because clearly, bkcoke wasn't thinking straight (he/she misses cm). Oh, I also love the Burger King ad at the bottom of the screen.

Okay, I don't know if that was an original quote or not in this kid's away message, but it makes for much pain regardless. Yah, yah, yah, I know he was TRYING to be lame here, but he succeeds a little too much. Even though I've never met this person, I want to never see him again and I have crossed his name out of my Christmas card list. Please feel free to stop by his room or give him a call. I insist.

Oh my. Why do people feel the need to quote themselves in their profiles? Especially when it's lovey-dovey crap any 13-year-old can pen? If I were reading Poe's or Shakespeare's AIM profiles, I wouldn't mind. If I were this person's friend, I would have to remove this name from my buddy list in case I accidentally clicked on the "view buddy info" link. Awful.

This one pretty much speaks for itself. Even though I've looked at this one several dozen times, it still makes me cringe.

Wow. Okay, where to begin here? What I get out of the first line of this Jesus-boiled drivel is that I should ignore all instincts and do whatever the hell the "Lord" says. Whatever you say, heartsparkly. Does this mean I shouldn't snort cocaine off of a pile of dead babies anymore? But, by far and away, my favorite part of this profile is when she decides that the AIM name for Jesus, her lord and master, should be "soullover." I think it should be "JeesDiddy6669."

This one is just dumb.

More Jebuz-ness.

This one is from Bonaventure's favorite thug masta, Jon Eller. If you know this person, you will find this profile all too surreal. Could someone please explain "L-O-X" to me? Sorry, I'm white bread. The only lox I know of is the spread that goes on bagels. Nasty shit, too.

Lotsa problems here. First of all, it starts off with god-speak, so you know it's going to get a lot worse. If I ever have an exchange of ideas expressed orally like the one she had with Matt, I want someone to but 100 bullets into my spine. There was more to this profile than I show you, but my computer refused to process the data, as it was way too retarded to be articulated in 1s and 0s.

Again, this one speaks for itself. More horribly spelled words, more bile inducing "pity me because I suck" quotes, more Blink 182 song lyrics (the first entire passage was quotes to Blink 182...I had to edit that part out for some reason I can't currently remember).

Shout-outs are great to put in profiles, but once they start piling up like violated groupies at a Kiss show, it's time to clean up a bit. Shout-outs this lame, however, should be kept to a minimum, for obvious reasons. I think that every person nethoney ever talked to is on this list, including mechanics, grocers, drug dealers, paperboys and professors. Nethoney apparently only wants certain members of her colossal shout-out list to KIT (keep in touch). Persons who aren't asked to KIT can just go to Hell and die. My favorite part of this profile is when ally Jody gets mentioned. Outstanding.

Oh yes, there's more! Just a couple of minutes ago, I noticed nethoney decided to update her profile (finally, her fans say). Okay everyone, those of you who have done a poor job of KITing, pleeeeeeese go over to 217 Doyle and show your smiley face to say hello. Equally amazing as Stonehenge is the fact that Jody remains the only person on nethoney's shout-out list, even though I don't think she has KITed at all with her. How does this happen?? I imagine we'll be hearing from nethoney again.

I know a lot of you were waiting for this one. In case you haven't figured it out by now, this is Earl. Yes, Earl from the column two days ago. You know, the luckiest guy on the face of the Earth? That's who. I had to edit the text here a little bit, because Earl, in his infinite awareness, used light yellow text that was virtually unreadable. Not to say that that's a bad thing... If anyone knows the meaning behind "JC Denton69," please tell me. Is that some sort of wrestling name or what? I think every member of the Bonaventure community is taking 7/16/05 off and coming to Olean. I've got my tickets and reservations.

When there's an Earl sighting, you know his woman can't be too far behind. Her she is. I hope you enjoy the sloppy sex comments just as much as I did. Thankfully, I lost the part of my brain that creates mental images of things I read. Writing with numbers is fun! 4 real!

I think this might just be the worst AIM profile ever. I can't put my finger exactly on it, but the sheer stupidity simply radiates from the screen here. Those out there who know me well know how much I hate "lol," emoticons and smiley faces in chat text. Especially when used in reference to themselves. Are there actually people out there who are "laughing out loud" at their own brainless comments? I think one reason why I hate this profile so much is because I agree with so much of it, but what is there is bastardized ten times over. I root for the Mets and hate the Yankees, I like R.E.M. (the second quote), and I sure as hell can't stand Dave Matthews. But the way this assface expresses similar feelings as mine just might cause me to put my face through a pane of glass. And then eat the shards on the floor. I really wish this AIM profile was just a creation of my own doing, but alas, it is real. Yes, this does make the baby Jesus cry.

Well, that wraps up the first installment of AIM's lamest profiles. Again, if you know of any other vomit-inducing profiles or away messages, let me know.


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