Lame AIM profiles: Volume Two

By Justin Rybinski

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My Instant Messenger buddy list has gotten out of hand. Several readers have sent me people to add to this series of articles, not to mention the dozens of lame AIMers that are on my original list. Out of like 180 people on my buddy list, I only actually talk to around 30-35 at most. Everyone else is on for other various reasons, usually so I can get a good laugh at their profile/away message. Unfortunately, when my computer died on me the first time a few weeks ago, I lost some great screenshots of awful, simply awful profiles. I still have the user's names on my lists; I just lost some amazingly decrepit crap. Damn people for changing their AIM profile. This is the second, and certainly not the last, installment of AIM profiles gone horribly, horribly wrong. As always, if you know of any other offenders, send 'em here. Let's begin round two with some updates on previously mentioned people.

NetHoney's back, not in pog form, but in something much more annoying. Great, now I can't possibly say "holla" anymore without thinking of this mess. Thanks, NetHoney, whoever you are. Ooooo, a Bible quote! After browsing 1 Corinthians 12, I wonder exactly what this quote inspired her to do. All this quote inspired me to do is clean out my vestigial tail. As for the next line, it seems that our little NetHoney might be veering into a life of lesbianism! Single men around the globe rejoice! STILL, to this day, Jody is given a shout-out. Why????

This one is just irritating. I'm assuming she means Ricky Martin in her away message. The simple fact that she used the phrase "bon bon" makes me want to set my hair on fire. Are there really 21-year-old girls out there pathetic enough to dreamily imagine Ricky Martin swiveling his posterior instead of conjugating verbs? I kinda thought that stopped at age 16, but what do I know? Also, her usage of "really now" shows her disturbing lack of language skills. Anytime someone says "really now" or "literally," more often that not, it's being used wrong. When one says "Yah, man, there were like, literally five hundred people in front of me in the drive through line at Hardee's!" that person means that there really was 500 people there. Oh, and the priceless line only works when you build it up. You can't just use priceless in the Visa context without saying something equally retarded like "Meal plan on Bonaventure: $2,000. Etc...etc.."

Love never fails, huh? I wonder if he'll be saying that when his significant other dumps him for the hairy drummer in a local Quiet Riot cover band.

This is the first in a three-part series. Of course, you recognize the Jon Eller, in all his bad-assedness. This is his alternate AIM account. It appears that he leaves his AOL on with the Eller316 name and turns on AIM with badassjoneller. His message clearly says that he's at work, right? Read on...

What the hell?? Split personality, anyone? I think this name is for the ladiez. He still mentions going to work, but not before misusing ebonics like only a white boy can. What's even more bizarre is coming up:

This was taken at the exact same time as the Ellers above. This joker is ALSO using the ridiculously abominable "Hi ho, etc..." phrase. I'm fairly certain these people have never met. Still, is this just a coincidence, or something much larger? Who knows? Who cares? Notice how he is "got"ing to the BV, as opposed to going. New material coming up:


As a person who watches an average of 21 hours of television a day, I am exposed to several hundred advertisements a day. Thanks to the invention of the remote control, I can usually dodge these ads by changing the channel. However, I can't dodge all ads. One in particular has been especially obnoxious: the Coors Light series with the band who can't play or sing. You know what I mean, the fucking song with "burritos at 4am, and, and twins!" Not only does cdal include parts of that song in his/her profile, it's quoted INCORRECTLY. After seeing this commercial against my will several hundred thousand times, I know the words. Nothing pains me more about my life. Example: it goes "I love burritos," not "I like." Does anyone actually prefer Coors Light to other beers, anyway?

This profile is a Tupac Shakur quote, which is fine, but I dare you, double-dog dare you, to stare at this for more than 20 seconds without getting a migraine headache or experiencing eye implosion. What a great way to memorialize the deceased by creating something that only serves to destroy rods and cones! For extra fun, make this picture your wallpaper.

I don't understand this one at all and it scares me.

Ah yes, another teenie-bopper angst poem. "Love is a torture that rips apart your heart," huh? The only reason she didn't say "rips your heart apart" is because she'd be rhyming "apart" with another "apart" one line down. I recommend this person have a nice long chat with MC Milan 6. What's going on with the word "seems" at the end of line three? It doesn't rhyme with anything! Especially irritating is this person's use of the word "ur" and "u." I've only seen one poem worse than this. It's called "Basketball" by Jimmy Wilson, second grade.

by Jimmy Wilson

Basketball is really cool.
I like to play it after school.
I sometimes play with my dad.
When I do, it makes me feel glad.

I had to edit the text for this profile, as jesamaika decided to use light gray text on a gray background. Helen Keller's corpse has a better sense of color. Anyways, read the second line again. Try to find the significance. I'll write it here in case you can't read it. This is important. "i brought eye drops...u know thoses things that u need casue ur eyes get red." The spelling and grammar checker on my version of Microsoft Word crashed immediately after I finished typing that in. I'm not even going to try typing in "Ur ribs my butt...its gonna go somewhere." Oops.

Guess the gender of this fool and win a prize. Wrong, it's a guy. Posting quiz results is soooo 2000.

Please! Call her! Hurry! She's only getting more and more bored! Now! Before she eats another package of Ding-Dongs! So, not only does this girl not have any friends, she also writes gloomy goth poetry. Awesome. Only the most intelligent one percent of the nation can properly rhyme "get" with "shit." Oh, and "me" with "be"? Genius! I am curious, though, how she plans on destroying this perpetrator with a hole. Does she have the power to create hellish vortexes using only her mind? If so, I take back all negative comments I made about her. If not, I'm going to giggle to myself over her AIM name. Since she's a "pyrochick" "4life," I am getting the image of an 80-year-old cripple, starting herself on fire whilst still in the wheelchair, laughing hysterically as hospital wardens try in vain to put the fire out.

This is the last one of this installment, and holy jesus, is it terrible. First of all, it is an all-out assault on the retinas. Even though this isn't as bad as Tupac boy above, it still hurts the eyeballs. I really don't understand much of this, possibly because the person who wrote this was too busy "KePpIN iT gAnGsTa." Seriously, though, this has got to be the worst profile I've seen so far, in terms of poor spelling, asinine quotes, usage of "LOL"-like phrases, large font size, terrible color scheme, etc...etc...

Well, that wraps up the second installment of AIM's lamest profiles. Again, if you know of any other bile-inducing profiles or away messages, let me know.


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