Lame AIM profiles: Volume Three


By Justin Rybinski
1/21/03


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It's been a while since Volume Two of everyone's favorite AIM Profile Comedy Reviews, so I have quite the buildup of screenshots. I was going to make this a two-part series, but since I haven't been updating this website nearly as much as I'd like, I figured I owed it to my readers to make one freakin' huge AIM Review. As per usual, I don't know if I should start with an awful-beyond-words profile or a just-plain-terrible one. You be the judge.

Let's start off with a good friend of ours, NetHoney. She has been featured several times before, and I have a two-pack of NetHoney goodness for you today. As if being in yellow smiley face hell isn't bad enough, she quotes Bryan Adams in her away message!! Why, god, why?? It's not 1990 anymore, I think. This instantly qualifies her for the lamest person to exist on the planet. She has my vote.

For those who don't read/post on LiveJournal or talk to 16 year old girls, "hw" means homework, "bbl" means be back later, "rite" means right and "NetHoney2002" means nimrod. Awwww...you're at a private university and you have a few hours of homework to do? Cry about it. This ain't high school. Yes, certainly the profs have gone stark raving mad because they are assigning you work, which aids the learning process. NetHoney should have stayed home and went to Farmer Dan’s Community College.

What? "im break the cycle"?? That couldn't possibly make less sense. Let me get this straight—you say you shouldn't be loving your "boo" (Spanish for cow) for whatever reason, but you want to take the relationship to the next level? That's like saying "Well, you did cheat on me, but let's get engaged." Thankfully, it's only a matter of time before they trip themselves into a coma.

Wow. Okay, where to begin here? Nowhere. Maybe I'm just being lazy here, but I can't do anything. There are too many jokes, too many cruel comments, too many spelling/grammar errors to focus on. Go ahead, make your own joke. See how easy it is. See? Just so you know, the Earl he mentions is none other than Earl Rose, everyone's favorite Bona dropout. J....S.....T....!!!!

While we're on the topic of Earl, here's one of his "secret" screen names. As you can tell, he did a great job of keeping these classified. What the hell does "BlackRobedPriest" mean, anyway? This is essentially the same profile he used to use for JCDENTON69, but it's still all sorts of high-larity. In his shout-out section, I love how he properly uses "you are" in reference to Krys, but for everyone else, he says "your." How do people like this not put two and two together to understand that "your" and "you are" are not related?

Just when I thought I was out of Earlie references, I found this steaming pile of AIM profile. For those who haven't been reading, JuicyHugsnKisses is Earl's girlfriend. Frightening image of Mrs. Earl + juicy hugs and kisses, no? Could someone please tell me what a juicy hug is? Oh, wait...please don't. For the record, this is the WORST attempt at poetry ever viewed by my eyes. ANY poem with the phrase "the radio keeps playin' that same old song" should immediately be destroyed.

What a mess. The away message starts off with two idiotic rhetorical questions about guys, then it disintegrates into a rant against no one because she's spending time with her 'rents. "Ann Murry"? Hell, even I know it's properly spelled Anne Murray, and I wouldn't attend one of her concerts if you held a gun to my girlfriend. What's somehow even worse than the non-melodical screams of Anne Murray are retarded catchphrases you'd see on the back of those Aussie T-shirts back in '96. I think I've mentioned it here before, but I hated those shirts more than anything in high school, more so than the "Big Johnson" shirts, which I didn't think was possible. "Pain is weakness leaving the body," "Seven days without soccer makes one weak," "Being a strong person, I sure do hate weak people," and so on.

Ten reasons why you should never, ever, EVER date a Bonaventure softball player:
1. Jesus, just look at them.
2. Apparently, they're all dirty beersluts who would go down on a horse corpse if given the proper amount of booze/attention.
3. Why would you date softball players when there are plenty of foreign and exotic tennis players around?
4. Most Bona softball players are men in drag.
5. Because you have standards.
6. Oh, I would, but the good ones are all taken....*snicker*.
7. Because you're not quite that close to suicide.
8. They can't "handle" the "bat" or the "balls" very well. RFLMAO LOLOLOL ROLFLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
9. The biggest buzzkill in the world is when you're in the bed of the girl you're cheating on your softball girlfriend with and they announce on the Bonaventure radio station that the softball team lost to George Washington 31-0.
10. Let's face it, if you wanted to date a cow, there are farms all across the country.

Okay, whatever respect I had for JimMiller (none) just went down the crapper because of his Leno quote. LENO IS NOT FUNNY, NOR WILL HE EVER BE. He kissed ass all the way to top. He is a talentless hack, with no actual comedic wit. His only fans are senile 80-year-olds who only watch because they think he's Steve Allen. Fuck Jay Leno.

No. This kid did NOT just quote Avril Lavigne (probably spelled wrong—good). Wow. Okay. Let me collect myself here. Okay, so not only did he quote the teenie demon spawn girly-girl child of Satan himself, he altered it a bit to fit his ice skating lifestyle. Wow. Why doesn't he just take a line from the Necronomicon and turn it into a beach volleyball quote? Oh, and I believe Miss Lavigne is talking about skateboarding, so when our little buddy MC here puts (ice) in front of that, it means he skateboards on ice. Good luck with that.

Yes! More MC Milan action! Study the first paragraph in his profile ("You do what you do..."). Tell me if it makes a lick of sense to you. There are too many pronouns without antecedents for this to ever even come close to making any kind of logical sense. So, amateurs built the ark, but professionals built the Titanic? Yes, that is true. So? Is this some sort of "Jesus' followers are better than CEOs and owners of major corporations" comment? I certainly hope not, as it is an idiotic statement to make. And what's the deal with that last line in his profile? Is he talking to me? I hope so.

YOUR jc (Jesus Christ)? I thought it was MY jc. I won't stand for this hoggery of the jc any more.

These two away messages/profiles are from the same person, our boy Eller. It looks like a cat sat on the keyboard for the first one and the second involves the amazing wrestling catchphrase "It's true, it's true." If this isn't the WORST catchphrase ever, I don't know what is. What's true? And why are you saying it twice? We heard you the first time. Go away.

what

I did some research and found out that "CB" means colonic boil. I'd like to go back in time so I could never find out about this person and her retarded profile. But wait, there's more...

Why is there a wink smiley next to "putting pants on"? Wouldn't it be more appropriate if she were taking OFF her clothes? What do I know? What's even more irritating is that she uses a frown smiley and "lol" IN THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE!! Yes, SkYe, there IS something wrong with you. Apparently, you're missing the left half of your brain. I recommend giving her a call on her cell, which I do for all people dumb enough to leave info like that in a public profile. Really now, what is stopping me from adding this number to every gay porn line in the Western New York area?

I don't blame you if you didn't read all of that. It took three or four tries myself to get all the way through. I've said it before, I'll say it again: people who use u and ur and R and 2gether and rite and b/c and some1 and 2 BLOW. Seriously, it makes the text ten thousand times harder to read, which isn't good when you have to struggle through it in the first place. That's not even the real problem here. SnOwTiGeR really seems to hate love, judging by her first away message/profile. A scant day later, she totally reworked everything and was telling JP she loves him (JP is a great guy, I might add). Unfortunately for JP, she calls him a jerk three lines down. What a sad story. Really, would you want to read a "guide to hooking up" given to you by this person? And if I have to read "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it" one more time in a profile, I'm going to start throwing punches. I don't know at what, but I'll probably end up with two broken computers.

What's a crazy guy like John Turek doing in bed on a Friday night? Well, I don't blame him. He did read eleven thousand pages of computer repair text all day, so give him a break. "Tomorrow" is one of those words that simply should NOT be misspelled by anyone with a middle school education. However, Mr. Turek does just this. The conversation he transcribes at the bottom is seriously the LAMEST conversation transcript I have ever read. Remember, this is coming from someone who has seen several thousand of them. Retooting, huh? Funny. Heh. Oh wait, now I get it!! You meant to say "rebooting"!!!! ROLFLOLOLO LOLOL LOLOL OL!!!!!!11111 1ROFLMFAOOOMOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLLLLOOOOOOLOOOLOLO!!!!!!!!!111111 Honestly, why is this in a profile? It Just Is Not Funny In The Slightest.

Let's end this article with suicide, something we can all agree upon. At least the suicide of this person. Ouch. That's probably the cruelest thing I have ever said. This one is pretty self-explanatory. This is your basic teen-angst, call-for-attention away message. I've seen 'em a million times. Jbsweeti updated this message a hundred times in a two day span, and there was no way I could possibly get screenshots of them all. I guess this person's friends ditched her for a night, and she was none too pleased about that. Apparently, one bad night = suicide. The next night she was all better and happy and was spewing tripe like "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it" and "Jesus lives off of the tears of suffering Christians" and "Wow, I sure do think going to church is swell." Good for her.

Holy hell, I wrote a lot about these profiles. Aside from final theses, this is longer than most essays I wrote in college. Again, if you know of any other nauseating profiles or away messages, let me know.

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