Lame AIM profiles: Volume Four

By Justin Rybinski

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When I wrote Volume Three of this never-ending series of lame AIM profiles, I thought I would never include as many screenshots as I did ever again. I was wrong. Here, in Volume Four, I'm setting yet another record of pathetic, retarded, hurtful profiles and away messages. I was looking them over and so many of them are quite self-explanatory. I'll still narrate, of course, but I'm not going to be as verbose as previous installments. I just don't think it's necessary at this point in the series. If you want to read long rants, check out the previous episodes, especially Volume Two. Enough chit-chat. Let's go!

I think I've used NetHoney in every single edition so far. She keeps blowing my mind with retarded statements and this time is no different. No, NetHoney, the reason the guys above are avoiding you is not because they are shy. They are frightened of you. They don't want to be sucked into your hellish vortex of stupidity. So far, mission accomplished. Also, the noise they are making is called a "party." Do you know what happens at most parties? Fun. Something you've never experienced, nor do you deserve to. Next!

This person's info doesn't bother me as much as many of these other profiles do. It's the screen name. Dirty Dwarf 2000? Are you kidding? What does that even mean? Like everyone else here, I have this person on my buddy list, and every time I see this name, I cringe.

This is why 10 year olds should be banned from AIM.

Holy fuck. See above.

Seriously, this is the lamest, most retarded thing I've ever read in my entire life. I am not exaggerating one bit. If you, dear readers, can find something more irritating, obnoxious, and idiotic than this, please send it my way. I've been staring at this for a week now and it doesn't get any better. I hate you, SrMaryMeghan, much more than Pac-Man hates Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde.


Ah yes, Mrs. Earl. If you can read her away message without looking away, I will send you a check for forty dollars. I am actually getting a headache just by looking at that mess. Why do people use these colors at all? I always thought people WANTED others to be able to read what they write. What's worse is when you FINALLY finish reading her little rant, you think about it and realize how moronic it is.

Guys only want a$$, huh? (I love how "ass" is now spelled with dollar signs) Security guards are constantly giving you tickets, eh? Perhaps these problems would go away if:
1) You stopped being a dirty slut, leading on equally dirty guys at dingy bars. (Remember, CatchK3 is the one who bragged about softball players being dimewhores in Volume Three)
2) You stopped parking illegally. Security guards don't give out random tickets to just anyone. Try NOT parking on the grass. Attempt NOT parking in the faculty lot. I know it's tough, but strive to park in between the yellow lines.

Oh man, wouldn’t it be hilarious to put SkYe's friend "A m a nd a" in a room with CatchK3? They could argue about ass grabbing all night. Scientists could tabulate the results and use the facts to cure cancer or something.

Can you read this? I can't, and I have 20/20 vision. It doesn't help that her name is fucking stupid beyond all human understanding.

Welcome to Goth Poetry 101. I am your instructor, Dr. Quigz. Let's start by going over the basics. You must, absolutely MUST, use the phrase "taste of blood on your lips" in the first sentence. It sets the mood as a gloomy pit of gloom. Also, blood is scary. Next, make sure you use the words "skin," "crimson," "tears," "afraid" and "frozen." Understand so far? Good. Next, make sure you have a "prayer-salvation" line somewhere. It's gold. Finally, end with something like "I can't fight this fight anymore" or "I despise your vampiric embrace" or "My life is dark like a storm cloud." Your assignment for today: memorize every lyric The Cure has ever written. Class dismissed.

Dear jbsweeti17,

Your friends,

Uh huh. It looks like Mr. Alv here has been spending too much time with Dr. Quigz lately. How do you breathe claustrophobic, anyways? This is a pretty stupid profile, but I did NOT see this next one coming:

HOLY SHIT. What is wrong with people???? I don't think I'm ever going to leave my room now, in the chance that I'll run into Mr. Alv here. Let me restate: HOLY SHIT.

Let's move onto something a bit less frightening. Normally, I'd begin a 500-word dissection of the fucking dumb phrase "Koolaids awsome!" but I'm still kinda freaked out from the last profile. Maybe I'll come back and fix this.

I have a problem with the following "words": idk, u, n, cuz, u, no, r, n, tylers, 2, u, ur, thanx, 4, bout, n, u, bout, u, n, im, n, u, n, ill, urz, thru, tonz, n, 2, weve, 2, everythin, 2gether, 2, n, n, 2, 2, u, cant, 2, "AWSUM MEMS W/U", n, u, r, 2, outta, trubl, n, n, b, hapy, cant, till, outta, mayb, sumwhere, 2gether, n, lol, ne1, well, sum, 4, tho. That is all.

Insert Funny Part Here.

Hmmmm... The colors aren't immediately eye-explodingly bad, nor is the font too unreadable. So what's wrong here? Oh yes, this person is whining about the stress of college. This irritates me more than anything. If you're joking about suicide because of a simple meeting with your project advisor, let me be the first to tell you that YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED IN THE REAL WORLD. If you want a stress-free job, become a waitress at a failing ethnic restaurant.

Wow. Lots to say here. I wish my girlfriend was as beautiful, sweet and locing like this chump's girl. I mean, really, how many good locing girls are out there? It's also a shame that DoNiE doesn't cyber, as he is just my type. Please read this line again: "i have way to many friend to say hi to so im going to give em a shout out sup guy/gals peace out." I'd point out each error here, but I have a limit to the amount of bandwidth I can use each month. It really weirds me out that DoNiE is telling his dead friend that he will be seeing her soon. Anyone with me?

I have nothing positive to say about either of these profiles, so I'm not going to say anything at all. Except that I hate you both and that if I see either of you crossing the street, I will not brake.

Let's move on to the final part of Volume Four. I like to call it the Racist Roundup. Not only can Humpdiddy not think of a good AIM screen name, he's also a terrible racist. Good job. I joke a lot about how mixing neon green with neon pink and people who abbreviate "together" piss me off, but senseless, racist comments like this infuriate me to no end. There is no reason for this. Piss off, Humpdiddy. I hope you get drafted.

The next, and final, AIM profile is just plain disturbing. See for yourself.

Christ, this is awful. Idolizing the most despicable man over the last 100 years is bad enough; quoting him in your public AIM profile is distressingly bad. I wanted to see if this was a joke or not, so I sent him an IM. Here it is:

ME: yah, someone referred your name to me
ME: not important... he told me not to tell you
ME: do you actually believe that Aryan stuff in your profile?
TOTENKOF SS88: and who was it Mr. Burgeron?
ME: i'm saying nothing
TOTENKOF SS88: it was
ME: saying nothing...
TOTENKOF SS88: i know you arent
TOTENKOF SS88: but i know it was
ME: just so you know, i run a website that makes fun of people's retarded AIM profiles, but yours is hardly that bad, so i'm not going to use you
TOTENKOF SS88: yeah i dont put stupid shit in it
ME: people refer names to me and i check it out
ME: yah

Wow, I can't believe he insists that he doesn't put "stupid shit" in his profile. I was going to have some more fun with him, but what's the point? I'm not a big fan of chatting with Nazis. For the record, I changed my screen name to "ME" above because I was IMing him with one of my various accounts I don't want everyone to know about.

Well, that's another day's worth of stupid, stupid, stupid AIM profiles and away messages. Keep sending me names and I'll keep posting them!


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