Burger King's New Menu: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

By Justin Rybinski

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I was out with Pimpin' Pete earlier today, when we stopped at a Burger King for something to refresh ourselves after a long day of CD stores and thrift shops. I was ready to get the usual order of two chicken tender sandwiches, one rodeo cheeseburger and a small drink (free refills, of course). I looked up at the menu, and I did not see either 99 cent sandwich on the menu. I saw something much, much better.


Tacos weren't the only new item on the 99 cent menu. They had a bacon cheeseburger, a sourdough cheeseburger, "value size" fries and a real ice cream shake. That's not all. Also on the menu (but covered up with a semi-see-through "Coming Soon!" sticker) was chicken wings, chile, "value size" onion rings, and four or five other items I couldn't read because of the sticker.

Obviously, this changes everything we know about fast food. I see no reason to go to Taco Bell or Mighty Taco, now that I can purchase two BK tacos for 99 cents. Once the wings arrive, this could cripple Buffalo's already fragile economy, as 50% of all income brought in by companies comes from chicken wings and cheddarwurst. Sad as it might be for Buffalo, it will be a tasty time for all of us. Only time will tell if these new items are a hit and will remain on the menu. Similar "non-fast food" items have been on other menus before, only to fail. I point out McDonalds' hot dogs, pizza, wings and bratwurst as failed examples. However, this is Burger King, which always has better food than Mickey D's...I don't care what anyone says, BK's fries are better.

Today, I ordered two tacos, a sourdough cheeseburger, a bacon cheeseburger and a small drink. It came to $4.28. Not bad at all. I had to wait almost 10 minutes, as someone screwed up a major drive-thru order, and the people in the back had to make a ton of burgers all over again. The waiting was killing me. I had waited my whole life to eat BK's version of the taco, and here I am, waiting for 10 minutes. Just when I started to hyperventilate, my order came up.

I started off with a taco. They only come crispy and with beef, but damn, what a crispy beef taco. I'd venture to say it's better than Taco Bell's hardshell tacos. There was a sauce that was very similar to TB's "fire" sauce, but not quite as hot. There was a surprising amount of meat on it, especially since it only cost me 49.5 cents. Overall, I give the Burger King taco a 12 out of 10.

Next came the two burgers. The bacon cheeseburger wasn't as good as the ones they sell at Wendy's, but still, it was very tasty. Instead of putting mayo all over it a la Wendy's, BK went with a more traditional "ketchup and mustard" topping. This burger was excellent at worst. Unfortunately, the sourdough burger left something to be desired. Sure, the bread was great, but the actual burger as a whole was very bland. It wasn't BAD by any stretch of the imagination--it just got overshadowed by the tacos and bacon cheeseburgers. That sad, I probably won't get the sourdough burger again. Why would I get anything even remotely inferior when tacos are available? Overall, I give the bacon burger six stars. The sourdough burger gets my lowest ranking today--seven thumbs up.

I brought the other taco home so I could take pictures of it for those of you out there. That was quite the sacrifice for this website. As you can imagine, I disobeyed all traffic rules on the way from BK to my house. After the photo shoot, I quickly finished the taco, leaving no evidence. They're actually pretty good cold. I'd like to see McDonalds make a taco that's still tasty when cold. Obviously, when the other new BK items come out, you'll read the review here. If they are as good as the tacos, I don't see any reason to eat anywhere else. Or even leave there in the first place.


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