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A pathetic fan decides to impress me

By Justin Rybinski

I had just finished mopping the floor (You see, it flooded again in the basement today. Even though I had been promised to my face from the caretaker of my apartment that there would be no more floods, the floor sure looked pretty damn wet. It's been raining a little more heavily than usual in Western New York this spring, but we've had worse rains and it didn't flood. Isn't that what sump-pumps are for, anyway? We just had a new one installed; great lot of help it was.

Thankfully, I don't keep anything of any importance by the side of the basement that floods. I did have to throw out some old mail, but nothing important. It's more of a cleaning nuisance than anything. Even after I mopped a million times, it's still going to reek of death water for the next couple of weeks down here. Plus, I had to move all of my shit around to make sure there was no standing water. Instead of posting various trash on ebay, I was forced to spend the night cleaning. Lame. Cleaning day was supposed to be Thursday.

In all, the only things that were thrown out were a couple boxes, both of my audio cassette holders, and some random piece of audio equipment I couldn't immediately recognize. It looks like my 13-year-old Dokken and Deep Purple tapes will have to find new homes.) when I finally lost all hope in humanity.

I sat down to my computer to make my grand appearance on the AIM network by removing my away message. I'm on and off all day, as many of my friends, colleagues and bookies know, but recently, I've been inundated with IMs from random people as well, mostly because I updated my contact info on many of the popular pages on This I don't have any problem with. However, today, just a few minutes ago, I received an instant message that pissed me off more than any flood could.

Just so you know, I will not provide the name of this user. I'm still unsure if the person was serious or was just trying to get a reaction out of me. I'll not play along for any games of attention-grabbing, especially if this person said what she (this person claimed to be a girl, but half of all supposed girls on the internet are really 14-year-old boys) did to get a rise out of me. From here on in, I'm going under the assumption that she was serious and is actually a girl.

It started out as innocent as possible, with a brief "hey i like your site lol" message. I suffered through idiotic small talk with her, but soon IMs got weird. For instance, this:

NIMROD (4:31:31 PM): hay

Auto response from caPcOmsOccer (4:31:31 PM): I'm here somewhere, but not at the computer.

RETARD (4:31:43 PM)
: do you know how to hack and get passwords? :-D

What the hell kind of question is that to someone you barely know? In the few days of small talk I've experienced with this person, never have I given the slightest inkling that I knew anything about hacking, mostly because I don't. I do know, however, that hackers have to be somewhat intelligent, something this person clearly lacks. You can't just type furiously on a keyboard, smacking on random keys, like they show you in Hollywood movies.

Regardless, idiotic messages like that one hardly prepared me for what was sent to me just now. I've done enough prefacing; time for the main attraction:

ASSMUNCH (12:39:17 AM): haha, guess what?
caPcOmsOccer (12:39:20 AM)
: what
ASSMUNCH (12:40:00 AM)
: i told this guy i hate niggers
ASSMUNCH (12:40:04 AM)
: and he told me to fuck off
ASSMUNCH (12:40:05 AM)
ASSMUNCH (12:40:17 AM)
: Random, innocent bystander (10:36:18 PM): get ova it
ASSMUNCH (10:36:23 PM): ova?
ASSMUNCH (10:36:25 PM)
: wtf?
ASSMUNCH (10:36:28 PM)
: are you black?
Random, innocent bystander (10:36:32 PM)
: yea
ASSMUNCH (10:36:35 PM): dammit
ASSMUNCH (10:36:37 PM)
: i hate niggers
Random, innocent bystander (10:36:46 PM)
: go fuck off then
Random, innocent bystander signed off at 10:36:48 PM.
ASSMUNCH (12:40:19 AM): read that
ASSMUNCH (12:41:48 AM)
: :-D

Super, just what I wanted: a racist fan. I was utterly speechless after reading this message. The kicker was the smiley face at the end. This bitch was trying to IMPRESS me. Seriously, what the fuck? When, in anything posted on this website did I express any sense of racism? Sure, I think stupid people need to go, but that's based on their mental, not physical, condition. I'm not going to write an essay on why racism isn't acceptable, mostly because it's redundant and if you can't accept that, go read someone else's humor site.

There was nothing more to say to her, so I immediately gave her the boot from my buddy list. Until I regain some semblance of esteem for the rest of the human race, my buddy list is now "Members Only," like the jackets all the cool kids wore in '88. If you're not on my buddy list, you can't talk to me, or even see me online. I know this retard is part of the very slim minority of people who read this website, but that doesn't make it any better. Just because you read and enjoy this website and send me some praising messages does NOT mean I have to like you or hold you in any regard.

I normally end articles with a funny line or sarcastic comment, but all I have left to say to my little racist fan is



E-mail me!
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