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Completely Insane Spam -- Logi-Tech


By Justin Rybinski
4/24/04

Like most 23-year old guys, I decided to stay home this Saturday night and write something quite possibly five people find amusing (myself sometimes included) instead of going out. I am in the final stages of two articles, neither of which are standard ryborg.0catch.com fare. However, when I did the 10-times-a-day email and ebay check, I received a piece of spam in my inbox (spam is junk email for those of you who remember where you were when JFK was shot) that completely changed everything.

Now I'll be the first to admit than anything other than immediately deleting spam is an unconscionable internet sin. People who open and read junk mail are the same people easily led into pyramid schemes and handing out their bank account info over email. What caught me off guard was that any junk mail at all was sent to my newest AOL email account, one that no one knows about. Say what you will about AOL as a company, but they have excellent spam control and are very good about not selling email info to vendors. So the fact that a piece of spam slipped by AOL's filters and found its way into a email account two weeks old stunned me, just like when I found out the Crocodile Hunter movie wasn't nominated for any Oscars.

The title drew me in immediately: " stock ranging between U$ 0.25 to 0.99". Why, I love stock! Especially when shares are a quarter; that's how you know you have a quality company, like the one Dusty the Hobo owns. The clever combination of the dollar sign and currency's country is a thrilling and original idea, too. Oh, and their email address is sales@logi-tech.net, so be sure to give them my love when you send your own emails out.

Unfortunately, when they say "stock," the fine folks at Logi-Tech don't mean shares in a company, they mean merchandise a store has to sell. Weak. Hell, here's the entire email, complete with odd spacing and atrocious grammar/spelling:


Dear sir/Madam

Logitech limited established in 1990 is a Hong Kong based protroessionel company, dealing in all kind of stocklot like house hold items electronics kitchen ware,germents,computer
peripherals,automobiles,toys and games,ets.
We can offer you stocklots ranging between U$ 0.25 to U$ 0.99. For detail
please visit our web site.www.logi-tech.net

Any query please feel free to contant us,

B.Regards,
Pinky
Call,852-9600 5094
Logitech Limited
3rd.Floor Wing Fat Loong Industrial Building
136 Wai Yib Street,Kwun Tong,Kln Hong Kong
Tel:852-2366 0014


Wow. Really, wow. Let me dissect.

"Dear sir/Madam"

Clearly this is a company that understands you must have a personal touch to sell stock. Their capitalization of madam, and not sir, makes it seem that their company, and possibly their country, is not the misogynistic wasteland everything Asian appears to be.

" Logitech limited established in 1990 is a Hong Kong based protroessionel company, "

Is "limited" part of the company name or what? If so, it needs to be capitalized, and let's not overlook the lack of a hyphen in the compound modifier "Hong Kong based" and the lack of commas around "established in 1990." Come on guys, just because you're from Hong Kong doesn't mean you can treat the English language the same way schoolgirls are treated in your ultra-violent anime porn. Oh, and I wouldn't have used the word protroessionel there; I would have stuck with exxporearienced.

" dealing in all kind of stocklot like house hold items"

Could someone please define a "stocklot-like household item" (spelling/grammar changed for my spell-check's sake)? I understand what a stocklot is, and I'm fairly certain I could categorize something as a household item or not if need be, but what the flying shit is a stocklot-LIKE household item? Do you even know, Logi-Tech?

"electronics kitchen ware,germents,"

Holy crap, electronics, kitchenware (or is that electronic kitchenware, like a salad fork with a digital clock in it?) and germents all in the same location! That's so convenient, I'm sure Wal-Mart gets their germents and electronics from Logi-Tech. You'd be stupid not to!

" computer
peripherals,automobiles,toys and games,
"

Okay, I'll take one sealed carton of '99 Hyundai Sonatas and a case of the McDonalds Easy-Bake Ovens. Please package them together so I can save on shipping.

" ets."

In the King's English, "etc." is a common abbreviation for the phrase et cetera, meaning "and so forth." However, in Hong Kong, it must be et setera, meaning "every thing and person Hong Kong has ever produced has been a total failure and a joke across the rest of Asia, including the 2002 movie 'Let's Love Hong Kong' (no thank you)."

" We can offer you stocklots ranging between U$ 0.25 to U$ 0.99. For detail
please visit our web site.www.logi-tech.net
"

Hey, didn't you call your company Logitech? Since your company is so old and protroessionel, you should have registered the www.logitech.com domain ages ago. Oh wait, but an actual, non-retarded company is also called Logitech, and they own that domain. So I guess you're stuck with the ever-so-slightly-legal-in-the-copyright-sense name of Logi-Tech. Too bad. Oh, and I will be visiting that website. Just give me a minute.

" Any query please feel free to contant us,"

Hey Logi-Tech, it appears you are having problems with your grammar/spelling. Well, guess what! I just so happen to have a degree in journalism, where I was taught to right real good. I am very interested in working for your fine company and am willing to relocate to Hong Kong immediately. My salary requirements are modest at best, but I'm sure we can work something out. Not! Oh, Logi-Tech, you just got burned, 1991-style.

" B.Regards,"

What, the word "best" was too hard to type out?

" Pinky "

Pinky?!?!?! A person named PINKY is writing this email? An ASIAN person named Pinky? What the rotting christ kind of name is PINKY? I seem to recall an Animaniacs spin-off program called Pinky and the Brain from the mid-'90s, but aside from cartoon characters, Pinky is simply not a real name. I can see how it could be some lame 40-year-old guy's nickname, but who uses their nickname on a protroessionel email? This has to be a joke. Someone is simply putting me on. Right? Logi-Tech CANNOT be real. It's time to abort the email criticism section (all that's left is their address, anyway, so don't bitch) and move on to the website criticism section.

For this section, you absolutely must have their website open to experience the full effect. You can click here and it'll even open in a fancy new window! Sweet!

Hm, that's a pretty sparse page for a mega-ultra-super company like Logi-Tech. They're not making any friends with their website design. Perhaps the crazy-awesome stocklot deals will speak for themselves and override the overall terribleness of the site. One more thing to mention before we start browsing, though. They have a site administrator link right in the middle of the home page! Are they ASKING to be hacked? What the hell? I've never ever seen that before.

Oooh, one more thing (for real this time). At the very bottom, it says "Copyright 2000 iemarket.net blah blah blah". However, if you actually visit iemarket.net, nothing is there. Strange.

Let's start with the first link at the top, the Company Profile. I was expecting to see a nice photo of the building/warehouse, with information on how the company started, some of its founders, and so on. However, all we have to work with is a shitty, blurry, tiny photo of a door with the words Logi-Tech International Limited taped on and what appears to be the company tagline, "LOGITECH LIMITED, One of the Largest Liquidators In Town." In town? What are they, a local pizza shop claiming to offer the best wings in town?

Next stop is the Products section. No matter if you want a home theater, a VCD player or a DVD "PLayer", you can be sure that they "haven't this kind product!" Of course not, what kind of commercial website that sends spam emails out has products?

However, if you go to the next link, Stock Lots, you'll see that they actually do have SOME items to sell. Not necessarily items people would ever want or ever buy online, but items nonetheless. Almost everything comes included with a vague description and a terribly blurry pic. They make it seem like they have more items that what they really do by including some crap in more than one category. I'm fairly certain all they have to offer are checkers sets, baseball gloves made out of old newspaper, and shitty phones from 1982.

One item caught my eye, though -- the doghouse fit for a young child. With features such as "EASY TO ASSEMBLE PLAY ONLY ONE CANTIAN ONE PLAY HOME," how can you go wrong? I think people would be very willing to pay $100+ for a piece of inflatable plastic for their children to suffocate, I mean, play in. Three thousand pieces per "STICK"! What a great deal, too! If you click on the "Sales Department" link, there indeed is the link to Pinky's email address. I guess he is real. That doesn't make his actions and email acceptable, though.

The next link is Promotion, but don't get your hopes up, all that's there is "page:" Let's go, Logi-Tech, you won't get any business with a complete lack of promotions. Don't waste your time filling out the info on the Contact Us page, either, as the only prize you get is a link back to the index. I was hoping it would take me to the real Promotions page where I could get 10,000 STICKS of phones for U$ .03/each. Maybe they punished me for entering in Corporal Assbag Bloodninja as my name and "I hate Hong Kong" in the comments section.

I guess the moral of this story is that spam should never be read and links included in spam should never be visited. However, most people already know that, so that's no good. Therefore, I'm sticking with "Hong Kong sucks" as today's lesson, even though "Never trust a salesman named Pinky" can also be useful in certain situations.

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