Restaurant Reviews

All reviews by Justin Rybinski
Last updated: 2/26/04

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Comment: Yeah yeah, I know, all of the reviews are trite in nature and are only of shitty fast food joints and chains. I'll get to the real stuff soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy these riffs on easy targets.

Oh, and everything's really low tech for the time being. That'll change.

Food Reviews

Fast Food

Cheers: A recent trip to the Niagara Falls Blvd. location in Niagara Falls was worthy of review simply because the roof caved in over one wing of the dining room while I was there. Water sprayed everywhere while apathetic workers lazily put tiny plastic bins around the main wet areas. However, it was during the dinner rush, so it was business as usual for the rest of the staff. When asked what the hell happened, the register guy said "I don't know" in a way that would make Norm Macdonald proud. Everyone acted like this is a common occurrence; maybe it is. As for the actual food, it's acceptable if you have a craving for fake roast beef and a box of curly fries. Arby's Sauce (a crude BBQ sauce/ketchup mix) is good on everything, even the salads. Five melts for $5 an excellent deal for the economically impaired. Chicken sandwiches better than you may think.
Jeers: May not be standing as of this writing, as my sources indicate you need a roof to effectively run a restaurant, even a fast food joint. Everything on the menu will give you the shits if you don't have an iron stomach. No matter what they say, the roast beef is still fake and originates in liquid form. Horsey Sauce an embarrassment to horseradish. Like all fast food places, you frequently get screwed on the fries. Retarded oven-mitt mascot needs to be set aflame and disposed of properly. Booths horribly uncomfortable and too close together; you can easily hear the old people behind you chat about bowel movements. Chicken sandwiches more expensive than you may think.
Hours: typical fast food hours
Location: see above

Burger King
Cheers: BK has been furiously releasing new food items recently in the hope that something will catch on with the overweight slovenly type, so if BK isn't one of your daily food groups, there will probably be something new to try. Fries still better than McDonalds, no matter what the American public supposedly says in those crooked taste-test polls. Coupons readily available, making an already cheap meal even cheaper. Workers not afraid to casually swear in front of customers. Free refills are offered at almost all locations; great for sitting and reading the paper for a few hours on boring Tuesdays.
Jeers: Aforementioned new items never catch on and are immediately replaced, which blows when they actually sell something worth ingesting. Their dollar menu is a sin against dollar menus. Why the fuck did they get rid of the tacos and chicken finger sandwiches, while raising the price of the Whopper Juniors? Baguette sandwiches tiny and tasteless. Hopped on the idiotic low-carb bandwagon by offering bun-free Whoppers. Sorry folks, but if your diet consists of eating fast food burgers, you're still going to be a fatass. What was once the premier fast food chain in Western NY has lost rank to Mickey-D's, Arby's, Taco Bell, Mighty Taco, LJS, Subway, etc...etc...
Hours: typical fast food hours
Location: everywhere
Further Reading

Soulless, Omnipresent Chains

T.G.I. Friday's
Cheers: Fast service, even when it's packed (almost always). Chicken tender sandwich rivals Perkins for the coveted Finest Chain-Served Chicken Sandwich award. Free refills on pop. Clean bathrooms. Turned off NASCAR highlights for an Agassi tennis match on all 30,000 TVs. Waitresses not ugly. I'm really reaching here.
Jeers: Waitstaff persistently over-cheery and annoying, much like the doofus working at Chotchkie's in "Office Space." Won't accept no for an answer when they offer you membership in their elite club. That chicken sandwich is the only menu item worth investigating. Everything else is either tasteless, too small and unsatisfying, or too expensive to be worth ordering; for example, the chicken quesadilla was painfully small and they used cheap, strong onions instead of usual restaurant fare. TV sets not viewable from every seat. Drinks painfully expensive; don't bring your drunk and depressed friends. More crazy crap on the walls than Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag. They had trouble with my gift card every time I've gone there. Once, they didn't give it back and didn't take off the remaining balance on the card. I ended up owing $6 for two meals and two drinks and I still felt ripped off. A great place to eat if you don't mind pulling a Firebrand and running out before the bill comes.
Hours: 10-10, later on weekends
Location: malls, larger plazas




All-Inclusive Family Joints


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