By Justin Rybinski
I never really had a cool Halloween costume as a kid. I was everything from a pumpkin at age five to a werewolf/dracula hybrid at age 13 or so. I didn't dress up as Boba Fett or Satan or Ed Grimley or anything cool like that. However, everything came full circle when I found a Sonic the Hedgehog costume at the local thrift store the other day.
For those of you who are video-game impaired, Sonic was a classic video game character for the Sega company. Essentially, they tried to create their own version of Nintendo's Mario. The many, many games Sonic has released for the various Sega consoles have been pretty big sellers and have led to many non-video game merchandise. Examples include Sonic comics, Sonic action figures, Sonic plush dolls, and previously unknown until now, a Sonic Halloween costume. And it was mine for only $1.48.
I knew this thing was going to be small when I picked it up. I also knew there was no way I wasn't going to try it on when I got home, no matter the size. I shrugged off the fact it was a child's size small. How small could that be? I'm only 6'7, 235 pounds or so. That's not that much bigger than a child's size small. The kid on the box looked so happy with it on. Ever since they stopped making new episodes of Family Guy, something has been missing in my life. I hoped this costume would fill in the necessary gaps and I would be as pleased with life as that smiling nine-year-old boy.
I started off by putting on the gloves. Even though the box said the gloves weren't included, they were there. Clearly, things were going my way already. Unfortunately, the gloves didn't even come close to fitting on my hands, as you can see here:
Yes, the gloves are really that dirty. Apparently, whoever owned the costume before me had never washed it. Basically, every single part of this costume was filthy, but that wasn't going to stop me from putting the rest on. Since I couldn't move my hands with the gloves on, I took them off and tried fitting the mask over my head. It didn't really work out too well. See for yourself:
Yes, wearing that mask was as painful as it gets. Since I like putting others through pain, I forced hilariously incompetent roommate Chris to wear the mask. He looked like this:
I think it's an improvement. The glasses over the eyeholes make him look smarter. Overflowing with enthusiasm to finish dressing up like Sonic, I attempted to put on the pants. Sadly, they didn't quite reach my knees.
I didn't let Chris put on the rest, as someday, I'd like to wear this stuff again. I wrestled with the top, but it just wasn't going to happen. For some reason, they gave Sonic massive, massive hooters. See?
Unfounded, I managed to fit my ample frame into the top. The results are quite disturbing.
I'd like to have that picture on the left appear in the Obituary section of the paper when I die. Can someone make sure that happens? Thanks in advance.
Overall, I think I make a pretty good Sonic. Not great, but good enough. If someone wants to dress up as Mario, Pac-Man or Donkey Kong in an equally cheap suit, I'll gladly trick-and-treat along in six months and sixteen days.
I've been receiving a million emails (okay, one or two a day) from parents asking if they can buy the Sonic costume for their children's next Halloween. Since I've grown weary of writing the same email over and over, here is my official response.
The Sonic costume is not for sale. First of all, it's absolutely filthy. I've tried washing it, and the dirt and marker stains seem to be forever ingrained. It's hard to tell in the photos, but take my word for it. Do you really want your kids wearing something this dirty and possibly disease-riddled?
Also, it would be tough to sell something of such... well, sentimental isn't the right word, but comedy value. It's been one of my finest thrift store finds and it seems to be an incredibly rare item, judging from the emails you've sent me.
However, if you REALLY want it, and are prepared to pay altogether too much for it (like $500+), I will consider your offers.
Back! E-mail me!